It's funny because the last update I wrote that I was finally living my dream of owning my own home (and actually living in it) and having a dog. Very simple things, but the things that I have held at arm's length for more than a decade, for what? Basically because I always thought I had to find a man first. I thought I had to fix myself up first, find a man, keep a man, then build that dream with him.
Well, it didn't happen like that. First of all, it was impossible to really fix myself up - heal the broken parts of myself - while attached to someone else. Inevitably I would put their wants and needs ahead of my own. I wound up trying to fix them and abandoning myself in the process. None of this is what I intended to write about, by the way, but it is, at least, the truth. And now that I am finally putting myself first, pursuing my own dreams, following my own heart, now I am finally able to start healing. And living. And no longer having regrets.
I am taking care of my little brick house and taking care of my little golden doggie. I feel more nurturing, loving and maternal than ever. I feel more like myself than ever, less depleted and less quesion-y about my place in this world.
There was (and still is) also this intense pressure that exists for us to follow a certain path in life. Anything deemed out of the ordinary is scary for others - it frightens them into thinking about their own life choices. Kind of like when you are reminded of your relationship status at a wedding, your child-bearing status at a baby shower, your mortality at a funeral.
Well, I have always said that getting married wasn't my goal in life, and it's still not. If it happens because I am blindsided by a person I didn't expect? That's one thing, but I am not going to do it based on a fear of missing out.... I just don't think it's that enticing of a thing. I have been financially independent for almost half of my life, so that's not a factor. I have never craved constant attention from a partner and tend to prefer my space.
As for kids. This one is something I have started to wrestle with because only recently have I started feeling like I really want to have a child. It's odd because I was never into it when I was with somebody, but now that I'm finally alone, for the first time I am tapping into some deep desire to raise a child. Maybe because I am feeling maternal having a dog to take care of (I've always had cats in the past).
Sometimes I wonder about the what ifs. But it's really a fool's game, a way to beat myself up. Something I'm trying to do less of.
Puppy Pics:
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| Happy Puppy |
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| Serious Puppy |
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| The Most Interesting Dog In The World |
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| Favorite Pasttime |
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| Senior Portraits |
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| At the Dog Park |
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| Such Happiness |
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| Family Portrait |
